and then the drink spilled.........

   so i went in, drove to chi town, 3:30 appointment. Went to the 4th floor, sat and registered.....initialed my life away on forms and papers. The nurse came in and took my blood pressure and as she went to pump the pressure cuff, she kicked my vitamin water which oddly sent it flying into the wall with such force, the lid broke off and it sprayed everywhere. As I tried to help clean it up, I was still attached to the cuff which was attached to the wall. It hit me....something was wrong, something was not working. This isn't supposed to happen. Everything else after went so fast.....yet slow. weird. So many things said about me.....massive hernia....umbilical and a ventricle....too much scar damage internally from multiple surgeries....mangled abdominal wall.....can't put in lap band because hernia is in way......lap band messes with gi track, and i already have multiple gi issues.....no compassion, except for one brief moment....in which she says.....i understand. if you move more, the hernia hurts, when you move less, it hurts less, but then i gain weight from such inactivity. She left to call surgeon, and came in and said be here at 2 next Monday.....surgeon can look at me and tell me if we can go forward or not yet. Nutritionist comes in and says hello.....talks to me about eating correctly as i gazed out the window at the sears tower.....every question she asked, I answered right.....I was so out or sorts i had one question for her. where are you from? she had an accent. Arkansas she says. hmm. my family is from there i mumbled as i put on my sweater. I left, and made it to my car door when the tears started falling......I cried all the way home. I cried so hard i could barely see, and i didn't even care. This is not how its supposed to go! They should have said yes! We can do this! We can help you! and this will be the last surgery ever! and you will then be perfectly healthy! No more body ailments! No diseases! Diabetes? gone! Tubes tied! Hernia no more! No more cancer doctors checking for cancer and deficiencies! Lap band to help feel fuller! Nothing. I didn't get an exact answer on anything, I cried all night.....cried for the utter sadness of feeling alone and stressed....tired of trying, tired of no answers, tired of having no one to depend on, tired of being opened and prodded, tired of doctors, tired of living in this fat suit. Jake came over....steph came over....and i cried still.....momma called, and tears poured til i slept, and even the next day, tears were at the door of my eyes slipping out now and then. Then daylight hit, and I realized my plan is just not God's plan. To be honest, not sure what God's plan is really at this point, but I do know, the hernia has got to be fixed first.....and then maybe the rest can fall into place? Still following some form of a diet though. I am trying with or without this stupid band, that i still want. My heart just hurts, because I feel so thrown down. But I know that I have some sort of purpose here, just like everyone else. I asked everyone that day to wish me luck, now I just ask for prayers, words of hope, something for me to cling to when I need it. I still plan on  going to the dr.s next Monday, and looking at the sears tower once again from the windows....hoping I get some form of answer and some strand of hope that day. I have Faith things will get better, just not in my time frame. So this is why I was, and am a little devastated. It took me a bit to write it, because my heart is heavy and it is hard to deal with. I will keep everyone informed.......Love to all!