It's Been a bit, but it's worth it! i Promise :)

Okay, So it's been a bit.....sorry! I have been running through hoops and fishing for miracles! And driving among ignorance for Days! So, here goes.......I have officially lost 7.5 pounds on my own! And......I AM GETTING THE LAP BAND!!!!!Whoo hoo! And I have already driven to Chicago twice already this week, two more times next week, another Dr. This Friday for surgical clearance, and surgery in as soon as two weeks! I have been poked and prodded, and EKG'd out! I am ready......I am tired, and I will have a surgery date by the end of next week! But for now, if you have any questions, shoot!
I did have a small bump in the road today, I have to get a medical clearance from my reg. Physician, because bad news is, my white cells shot up to 16. Not sure why, I have an idea, but seeing him Friday Morning! I just need a break! Sorry if this is so jumpy and sporadic, But thus is my brain! (*-*) Busy busy week! I will have more to say on Friday afternoon, as I will know more. But all i have to say is UP YOURS to the ladies who sat across from me at the hospital with fried chicken and mac and cheese as I ate my spinach and chicken salad. What NERVE!!! LOL Someday, hopefully I can kill the crave and not the man. Still working on it! Until Friday afternoon.........<3

and then the drink spilled.........

   so i went in, drove to chi town, 3:30 appointment. Went to the 4th floor, sat and registered.....initialed my life away on forms and papers. The nurse came in and took my blood pressure and as she went to pump the pressure cuff, she kicked my vitamin water which oddly sent it flying into the wall with such force, the lid broke off and it sprayed everywhere. As I tried to help clean it up, I was still attached to the cuff which was attached to the wall. It hit me....something was wrong, something was not working. This isn't supposed to happen. Everything else after went so fast.....yet slow. weird. So many things said about me.....massive hernia....umbilical and a ventricle....too much scar damage internally from multiple surgeries....mangled abdominal wall.....can't put in lap band because hernia is in way......lap band messes with gi track, and i already have multiple gi issues.....no compassion, except for one brief moment....in which she says.....i understand. if you move more, the hernia hurts, when you move less, it hurts less, but then i gain weight from such inactivity. She left to call surgeon, and came in and said be here at 2 next Monday.....surgeon can look at me and tell me if we can go forward or not yet. Nutritionist comes in and says hello.....talks to me about eating correctly as i gazed out the window at the sears tower.....every question she asked, I answered right.....I was so out or sorts i had one question for her. where are you from? she had an accent. Arkansas she says. hmm. my family is from there i mumbled as i put on my sweater. I left, and made it to my car door when the tears started falling......I cried all the way home. I cried so hard i could barely see, and i didn't even care. This is not how its supposed to go! They should have said yes! We can do this! We can help you! and this will be the last surgery ever! and you will then be perfectly healthy! No more body ailments! No diseases! Diabetes? gone! Tubes tied! Hernia no more! No more cancer doctors checking for cancer and deficiencies! Lap band to help feel fuller! Nothing. I didn't get an exact answer on anything, I cried all night.....cried for the utter sadness of feeling alone and stressed....tired of trying, tired of no answers, tired of having no one to depend on, tired of being opened and prodded, tired of doctors, tired of living in this fat suit. Jake came over....steph came over....and i cried still.....momma called, and tears poured til i slept, and even the next day, tears were at the door of my eyes slipping out now and then. Then daylight hit, and I realized my plan is just not God's plan. To be honest, not sure what God's plan is really at this point, but I do know, the hernia has got to be fixed first.....and then maybe the rest can fall into place? Still following some form of a diet though. I am trying with or without this stupid band, that i still want. My heart just hurts, because I feel so thrown down. But I know that I have some sort of purpose here, just like everyone else. I asked everyone that day to wish me luck, now I just ask for prayers, words of hope, something for me to cling to when I need it. I still plan on  going to the dr.s next Monday, and looking at the sears tower once again from the windows....hoping I get some form of answer and some strand of hope that day. I have Faith things will get better, just not in my time frame. So this is why I was, and am a little devastated. It took me a bit to write it, because my heart is heavy and it is hard to deal with. I will keep everyone informed.......Love to all!

sick sucks..............

    Today I had one of those off days. The "I am sick leave me ALONE" days! LOL So not much to say, except that I feel like crap. The doctor gave me my surgical referral today, signed and pressed for Monday's appointment with the surgeon. I am ready, I can do this. But for now, I am going to bed. So, goodnight sweetheart....it's time to go <3

Sacrificing of the Long John.........

   Today I am saying goodbye to a dear sweet friend.......my chocolate long johns. As you can see, I even and writing in the appropriate colors! LOL So here is how it happened.....I went to BP to get my coffee and donut combo, even though i brought oatmeal from home, and there in the glass cabinet were 3 long johns left. I chose carefully the most Chocolate frosted one they had, and even slightly squeezed it as i grabbed it to reaffirm it was still fresh!
So, i snuck that hot lil long john in my purse AFTER paying for it, and headed to work!
     So here I am, watching people work out and sneaking that crunchy sounding bag into my top right desk drawer! Quickly now! and as it crunched down, I smelled that fried donut smell......such a turn on!!! LOL And then i watched people as they stretched, and realized i have to start sacrifice. But one more couldn't hurt right???? Better yet, was the voice telling me, one more couldn't help either! :/ How bad do you want this? How much do your kids love you? and deserve you around? How will you change at all if you don't sacrifice! How much less of a sacrifice is this than other things in life?!
      Then in walks Ivo....the tall nicely built trainer at my work. A great young man, and I knew a donut wouldn't hurt him, and I knew once it was in his hands, it would never again touch mine. Perfect! Ivo! Here......take this....it's a long john.....I was gonna eat it, but I can't....please take it! I can't! Oh God, it smells so good! Run out the door Ivo! Don't give it back!!! Just take it and run!------------and he did just that. Whether he ate it or not, I have no clue. Truthfully, I don't wanna know.
      I sacrificed the long John. A small sacrifice, but a start, and a rare event for me. Especially something sweet! lol Just one cut on a list of many things that need cutting! So here is my Prayer for today......
         Dear God, Please keep your hand upon me......help me thru these sacrifices great and small, and steer me back into the person you want me to be, the mom the kids need, and be the fullest of my potential! Thank you for all your wonderful blessings......and even though Long Johns taste heavenly, I now know they are not a gift from you, but instead another chain link from hell in my diet. Please help me pop these chains off one by one. Please heal this wounded little girl inside of me, and help me be the woman I know I can be! Amen

Day One!

This blog is called Diary of a chubby chick, because I am chubby! :) Although chubby is actually a compliment at this point! I have upgraded to WOW! in the past few years! So basically, This blog is where I am going to track my progress as I work towards my Lap Band surgery, and wrestle through some horrible things I have gone through in order to find myself.
    You may wonder why I don't try counceling? LOL I have. But I have received some of the best advice from everyday people. Councelors only hear the bad stuff, and I have so much good to say too! But let's start here: I am a down to Earth gal, who has lost control of self. Not due to drugs, or alcohol, but a common necessity....food! And I have battle this my whole life.
     So why at 33 am I trying? Oh please! No one LIKES to be fat! I have tried and tried! and succeeded and succeeded! and keep coming back to this shell of a body that I hate! Right now, at the heaviest I have EVER been, 305, I am a final result of "stopping". I stopped caring, stopped trying, and now, I am trying to care. So any amount or encouragement is welcome! Just please, no Chocolate cake! LOL
    Now before anyone decides to insult me, please remember a few things. First off, no one really wants to be obese. No one says, hey! Three hundred pounds is fun! It is GREAT on the knees! Um, no. Three hundred pounds sucks. There honestly has been a few times where I have wondered if I could make it thu a day. It is depressing and sad. Second, Don't judge me, because if you have never been in my shoes, I don't wana know! And if you have, then I want pics for proof and a coffee date! Third, if I am an inspiration to anyone, Then that is unexpected, but welcomed and wonderful. However, you all and your advice and kind words, is inspiration to me! :)
      So, here is day one.......eventually some dark stuff will be brought up, things that trigger my anxioty and eating. I hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings when that happens, because it is just me realeasing some private pain. It has to be done, and I think, it might make a difference! Have a good night, I am heading home to the three loves of my life!